This week has been difficult emotionally, too many meetings and appointments. Lots of talking; about my problems, my family’s problems, my fears and worries, my thoughts and feelings. And then a poorly child.
My coping mechanisms have been utilised, and then utilised some more. There have been tears, sadness, hopelessness and uncertainty. And just TOO MUCH talking.
Yesterday afternoon/early evening I wanted to write, to release some of my troubles in prose or verse. I started, I’d type a few words but couldn’t get into the flow, I thought long and hard hoping for a poetic spark, but nothing. After a couple of hours I had the idea for Paper Hearts and eventually managed to write a poem that I was happy to publish.
One of my newest friends (met virtually via RED January) read my poem and immediately messaged me to ask if I was ok, saying that Paper Hearts was “beautiful but sad”. I was quite overwhelmed by such kindness and support and tearfully poured my heart out to her in response. Where too much talking to professionals had left me drained, chatting with a friend had lifted my mood and gave me enough positivity to get ready for a night out at a band friend’s birthday party.
I was always going to be at the party but my mood was lacking in the happy vibe that I wanted to take with me. I was dithering in uncertainty. I hadn’t thought about what I’d wear. I didn’t really care. Maybe I’d just go in what I was already wearing?
I hate the way depression affects my decision making and motivation, filling me with self-doubt and lethargy. Just a feeling of ‘whatever’…?
Fast forward and I was ready, pretty top, make-up, hair done, just add a smile and a pre-party selfie and off I went…. AND I HAD AN ABSOLUTE BLAST!
My band family are the most awesome group of people. We played (samba drumming), we laughed, we danced, we had such fun. I had such fun. And I danced and danced. My tears forgotten, my worries forgotten… just simple unburdened joy!