Right now. This is what I want.
I want to bottle this happy feeling and keep it forever.
Three and a half years ago my life (and that of my family) was blown to pieces by my cancer diagnosis. It has taken me a long time to rebuild myself, physically, emotionally, socially, and in all honesty I’m still a work in progress.
Everything that I thought mattered suddenly didn’t because I could not escape the knowledge that life is fragile, unpredictable, transient. My mortality had been brought into sharp focus and I was completely lost. No sense of who I was anymore, no goals, ambitions, life plans, other than making it through treatment, then making it through another year, and another…
I cannot adequately explain the overwhelming feeling that nothing in life made sense anymore, the feeling that everything was pointless because tomorrow could be the end. And how do you make plans when there’s no belief in a future to plan for?
[this was supposed to be a happy post but now I’m crying]
I still struggle with the future planning aspect of life but once again I have ambitions and goals, my life has meaning. I have new friends, new interests, and new talent.
BC (before cancer) I was not in an awesome samba band, I would have struggled to run for a bus and I had never written poetry.
This month I celebrate my 2nd anniversary of joining aforementioned awesome samba band, I have (somehow) managed to achieve an amazing 10 miles longest run, and my poetry is going to be published… this, all of this, I have achieved because of my diagnosis, because of how it destroyed me, because at that point there was no way to go other than up.
And I like the new me.
The me who performs in a band in front of thousands of people.
The me who enjoys running.
And the me who wants to be a published poet.
I can live with the difficulties of depression and PTSD, as long as I have hope and ambition. My life will never be what it was before, but that’s ok, I don’t want that life back. This life is better.
Prompt word: rebirth
The burning flames of destruction
And I rise from the ashes
Like a phoenix, iridescent
Surrounded by a smouldering haze of heat
The darkness of the shadows replaced
By my illuminating light
copyright © 2018 Karen Horsley