Write post – delete – start again…
I want to write of how hurt and upset I am but fear that doing so will trigger more tears and start another negative spiral down. And what I want more than anything is to move on from this and get back to the happy me that I was this time yesterday morning.
But I’m not able to just move on.
A person I considered a friend, someone who knows the difficulties of my situation (social/emotional/family), someone I have confided in, has been criticising me behind my back. And I would not have expected this of her. That’s all I’m going to say because my mental health is still fragile, despite everything in my this time last year post, despite all the progress I’ve made, despite my achievements, success and positivity, it just takes one thing.
One upsetting moment and all the emotions flood back, depression is still there, it’s waiting for any opportunity to tell me that I’m worthless, that I shouldn’t bother, that I’m a failure.
I know that’s not true.
I know the reality.
I can write a list of all the stuff that contradicts depression, but it doesn’t make it disappear. My knowledge is not a magic wand that can banish depression from the kingdom of serenity.
Today will be a self-care day, I will build my resilience back up and continue with my managed existence of minimising stress and looking after myself.
Thank you for reading,
ps the poem I have scheduled to post later today I wrote yesterday morning, it’s very appropriate to how I feel now.