The problem with scheduling posts for future dates is that a) I can’t remember which ones I’ve posted and which ones are scheduled and b) my mood timeline may be distorted!
I wrote the below yesterday evening, uncertain whether I would finish that post or just sit on it for a while.
I am mentally drained from the boys being home, disrupting my calm low stress life, from telephone calls, preventing me from writing, from the heat, making running exhausting, from the effort of trying to recall words, from trying to organise family admin, from trying to fit in all the things I want to do alongside all the things I have to do, from delegating, from planning, from not planning, from thinking, from being.
This week has made me appreciate my carefully managed approach to life and reassured me that what I do is critical for maintaining the gains I’ve made in recovery.
I’m doing ok but I need the down time, the peace, the lack of obligation.
I need the running and writing.
I need to not care that I don’t care.
I am exhausted from the effort of moderating their behaviour for a mere 20 minutes.
I like peace in the morning. I need peace. As soon as the boys are in each other’s space there is stupidity and noise and winding each other up and arguing and aggression.
My stress levels are soaring after just 20 minutes while they made and ate their breakfast.
I actually feel this is too much right now, too damaging to my fragile balance of ok-ness, which is devastating because I was (am) doing so well.
Sometimes crying and binge eating chocolate is the only way to manage the overwhelming sense of hopelessness, the sense that things will never get better, of being trapped in a cycle of depression that is driven and maintained by my social environment.
No matter how hard I try, how much effort I put into helping myself be well, there are things that I cannot change, things that are out of my control.
Today is Friday, I have felt things sliding since Tuesday, this morning it’s like I’m being buried alive in an avalanche of emotion. I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I will fight this, but doubt I’m strong enough to pull myself out.
This is raw, uncensored depression. This is my reality.
But, I will be ok.
The rest of today will be better as one child has left for his youth group, so I only have to manage one (one with additional needs is a whole world better than two with additional needs). Tomorrow I’m going to a music festival with my band so get to step away from parenting for a couple of days and one of the boys is going on camp for a week. So, I know I will be ok, but I also know that this will be a recurrent issue for the remaining holiday weeks.
I was always concerned about how the summer break would affect my mood. I had hoped that I was strong enough (recovered enough) that I’d manage better than I am.
But I’m doing my best for me, whatever it takes.
Stay strong and keep fighting,
[BTW any friends/family reading this, please don’t phone me as everything I can possibly say is written in this post]