Depression knocks on my door

The problem with scheduling posts for future dates is that a) I can’t remember which ones I’ve posted and which ones are scheduled and b) my mood timeline may be distorted!

I wrote the below yesterday evening, uncertain whether I would finish that post or just sit on it for a while.

I am mentally drained from the boys being home, disrupting my calm low stress life, from telephone calls, preventing me from writing, from the heat, making running exhausting, from the effort of trying to recall words, from trying to organise family admin, from trying to fit in all the things I want to do alongside all the things I have to do, from delegating, from planning, from not planning, from thinking, from being. 

This week has made me appreciate my carefully managed approach to life and reassured me that what I do is critical for maintaining the gains I’ve made in recovery. 

I’m doing ok but I need the down time, the peace, the lack of obligation. 

I need the running and writing. 

I need to not care that I don’t care.  

And today

I am exhausted from the effort of moderating their behaviour for a mere 20 minutes. 

I like peace in the morning.  I need peace.  As soon as the boys are in each other’s space there is stupidity and noise and winding each other up and arguing and aggression. 

My stress levels are soaring after just 20 minutes while they made and ate their breakfast. 

I actually feel this is too much right now, too damaging to my fragile balance of ok-ness, which is devastating because I was (am) doing so well.

Sometimes crying and binge eating chocolate is the only way to manage the overwhelming sense of hopelessness, the sense that things will never get better, of being trapped in a cycle of depression that is driven and maintained by my social environment.

No matter how hard I try, how much effort I put into helping myself be well, there are things that I cannot change, things that are out of my control.

Today is Friday, I have felt things sliding since Tuesday, this morning it’s like I’m being buried alive in an avalanche of emotion.  I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I will fight this, but doubt I’m strong enough to pull myself out.

This is raw, uncensored depression.  This is my reality.

But, I will be ok.

The rest of today will be better as one child has left for his youth group, so I only have to manage one (one with additional needs is a whole world better than two with additional needs).  Tomorrow I’m going to a music festival with my band so get to step away from parenting for a couple of days and one of the boys is going on camp for a week.  So, I know I will be ok, but I also know that this will be a recurrent issue for the remaining holiday weeks.

I was always concerned about how the summer break would affect my mood.  I had hoped that I was strong enough (recovered enough) that I’d manage better than I am.

But I’m doing my best for me, whatever it takes.

Stay strong and keep fighting,
K x

[BTW any friends/family reading this, please don’t phone me as everything I can possibly say is written in this post]

Posted by

Hi, I'm Karen, creator of which is home to my poetry, art and general ramblings. I am the author two collections of poetry, 'Kaleidoscopic Beauty' & 'I am the Stars in the Sky', and the children's book 'All That Glitters' (not yet published). I also enjoy running.

31 thoughts on “Depression knocks on my door

  1. I really feel for you. Parenting on it’s own is a tough job. Parenting while we have depression feels overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes a lot of the time.

    I’m glad you were feeling better yesterday and hope things haven’t been too demanding for you today. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Karen. I hope you are in a better space now than you were in the morning. And I am sure tomorrow is going to be better. Do write about how you are feeling, we are all here for you. My kids are 15 and 11 and when they get too much I send them away so that I can have peace for some time.
    Make yourself your priority. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you x
      I’ve had a good day actually, I think although the emotions overwhelm me in the moment I am able to put it into perspective once I get some time away from the stressful situation. Things will be ok xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear you xxx I too have a usually carefully structured world to keep my emotion as regulated as possible and my stimulation levels manageable. Kids muck all that up; in the nicest possible way! I’m going to write a blog to accompany my drawing xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Because I’ve been doing so well lately, I was happily residing in in my fortress of complacency where nothing could touch me… guess I still need to be wary of those destabilising factors! Take care lovely, I’ll keep an eye out for your blog xx


  4. I think you’ve done a commendable job in writing this and being so honest (which is harder to do than it sounds, I think). There really are some times when you have to give in, to do whatever you need to get by and get through tough times, because ‘good’ coping strategies and the methods you have in place for dealing with life just don’t cut it. I can see why it’s been challenging and exhausting, and stretching yourself too thin and not being able to get the things you need done, let alone the things you’d like/want to do, adds to that exhaustion and frazzled-ness. This is a storm that you’ll weather, just hang in there, Karen. You’ve got this.
    Sending hugs..
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Caz, we will all get through the tough times… I’m so very glad we’ve engineered the six weeks so alternate weeks are easier. Then I only have one difficult week at a time to manage.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You are brave to write it our Karen and communicating it so honestly. I agree with Jae-lyn that you should ask your sons for a time out. Just let them know that you need it. Even without depression we can feel off balance by noisy disruptions. We work our whole lives to live peacefully and with tranquility and it can be easily disrupted like throwing a cat amongst the pigeons. Hope your day gets better 😌❤️


  6. I am sorry that you are going through this. Can you give yourself a time out? Tell your son that you need half hour 45 minutes to recharge and lock yourself in your office/bedroom? No electronics except for what you write on and some music to soothe? Sending warm thoughts out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jay-lyn, I feel better just from outpouring my thoughts onto my post, but also only have one son here with me right now. I think my mood maybe a little up and down over the next few weeks, but as long as I have more up then it’ll be good. Thank you for your caring message xx


  7. I must tell you a long past event in my family life which shows what a struggle life can be. Our two middle sons had barely two years between them and when they became teenagers they fought like tigers. My wife who was with them when I often worked long hours could not handle them.
    They were big strong lads and sometimes fought physically, on this occasion I tried to separate them and we all fell in a heap on the kitchen floor . Unfortunately I banged my head on the washing machine and my wife screamed ; there was silence and the boys were shocked.
    Things improved somewhat after this memorable incident but they were still fiery towards each other .
    Now years later they run a business together and could not get on much better than they do.
    So we cannot manage our lives in times of stress but we get through them and time changes things bringing new and different challenges.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is such a hopeful story, thankfully mine limit the physical to pushing and prodding (most of the time). There’s only one year between them and sound very much like your two. This morning it was relentless 😦
      As much as anything I needed to vent, but also I want my blog to be real not the sanitised social media view. I am now prepared for a rocky few weeks emotionally.
      Let your wife know she did a great job with your sons as I genuinely believe I am too!
      Thank you for your response x


    1. Bless you, it truly sucks. I want my blog to be honest but I know my mum reads it so I feel I have to keep a balance between authentic and not worrying her.
      Look after yourself, you have to be priority at times like this xx


      1. You had it right in your post, it isn’t their fault. Teenagers react without thinking and they say hurtful stuff, not sure how girls deal with it but boys are all anger and blame.

        Liked by 1 person

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