I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed over the past year and most significantly during 2018. Sometimes it’s good to look back if only to realise how far you’ve come!
I know I’ve written about this before but I’m awestruck.
I could never have imagined these changes at any time in my life.
The words “I am a runner” were not ones I would have spoken. Neither were “I am a writer/poet/author”. I have lacked confidence for most of my life; as a child I was shy, quiet, bookish, as a student I doubted my abilities and was terrified of failure, as a girlfriend I couldn’t believe that I was good enough and that people actually liked me, as an employee I worked hard but wouldn’t ever promote my achievements.
I have always worried about what people think of me, worried about looking stupid, worried about upsetting people, worried about being criticised.
I have never been confident, I have never been proud of myself. I have spent most of my life downplaying my successes and believing that I was never good enough. Being self-critical. Ashamed by the things I couldn’t do, feeling I had to be able do everything and do it well.
I remember writing in my journal following a therapy session. I remember listing my achievements but deep down couldn’t accept that I was good enough, let alone successful.
I’m not exactly sure of when the shift occurred, maybe the seeds were sown in therapy (EMDR) last year and they’ve been germinating since, waiting until now to bloom. All I know is that now I have confidence in my abilities, in my goals, in my achievements. I am good enough, or even better than that. I no longer feel that everything good that happens is because of chance, I know that I am an integral part of it.
I know that it’s ok to not know something, and to make mistakes.
I know it’s not a failing on my part to have depression.
I know it’s ok to struggle in managing difficult situations (e.g. school holidays)
We can’t ever go back in time to change what has gone before, all we can do is learn from the past and use that knowledge to make things better.
Life is a process.
We learn, we change, we grow.