Being accountable

For too long have I been blaming my weight gain on my running injury and while in the early days of injury this may have been true it certainly is not the only cause eight months down the line.

I eat too much junk, specifically sugar.

I eat through boredom.

Through stress.

And as a social activity.

I could look back on the number of times I’ve said enough is enough, it’s time to do something about it.  And maybe for a few days I eat more healthily and snack less but then I just go back to the sugar.

Sweet foods bring me comfort, make me feel better about whatever it is that’s making me feel bad.  Apart from when I step on the scales, and sigh, and know that the reason I’m pushing 10st is because of the sugar… and then it doesn’t bring me comfort.

Also, it feels like my routine has been severely disrupted since forever, and although I have good intentions these are buried under day to day stuff, and thwarted by a lack of organisation.  A lack of commitment.  And by temptation.

Last night, as I lay in bed feeling bloated from a day which consisted of more snacks than meals, I decided that I have to deal with this, so I wrote a plan.

I got up.

I had a smoothie for breakfast (sweet potato, courgette, banana, blueberries, hazelnuts, cacao, and pumpkin seeds) as per plan.

I meal prepped – huge bowl of quinoa salad with spring onions, cucumber, tomato, avocado, apple, beetroot, mint and lime juice – for next week as per plan.

I sliced up a melon for easy snacking, again on my plan.

I had baked sweet potato and vegetable chilli for lunch (meal prepped last week) – yup on the plan.

Nut roast, new potatoes, carrots and cabbage for dinner, very nice and on the plan.

All very healthy.

But then there was the off-plan vegan chocolate brownie that we’d made for Father’s Day.  There was no way on earth I was going to pass on a slice of that.  And then did I refuse the chocolates my hubby offered me this evening?  Of course not.

I know it’s not the end of the world and I know that there was more good than bad, but here I am once more thinking I don’t have the discipline to lose the 14+ lbs that I want to lose and silently praying for some kind of miracle.

Vegan Chocolate Brownies

Cook 130g plain flour with 240ml water over a low heat until it forms a gluey paste.  Leave to cool.

Mix together 200g brown sugar, 200g white sugar, 1tsp vanilla extract, 1tsp salt, 95g cocoa powder, and 120ml vegetable oil.

Stir in the cooled flour mix, ensure it’s well mixed.

Add 130g plain flour, 1/2 tsp baking powder (plus any chocolate chips, nuts etc if you want to).  Mix to combine.

Bake in 25cm square tin for 25 minutes at 180 degC.



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Hi, I'm Karen, creator of which is home to my poetry, art and general ramblings. I am the author two collections of poetry, 'Kaleidoscopic Beauty' & 'I am the Stars in the Sky', and the children's book 'All That Glitters' (not yet published). I also enjoy running.

6 thoughts on “Being accountable

  1. Mmm the brownies sound good!
    As someone who’s dealt with comfort eating and knows all too well the perils of sugar – which is still my best friend and enemy – I know it’s not easy. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. I love your resolve, but I also worry that maybe there’s something else there other than what you see as being lack of discipline or willpower. A need for comfort, something that you’re not getting somewhere else, something on the mental/emotional side of the equation..? I really shouldn’t butt in so I’m sorry, I just don’t like to think it leaves you feeling so rubbish because health and happiness really are precious. You’ve had a lot to deal with and the injury has turned your lifestyle upside down for a while, throwing a spanner in the works where your usual outlet is concerned with exercise and running. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw no need to apologise, I appreciate your comments. You are, of course, right it’s not just about me vs the cakes, it’s about [me plus life stressors minus healthy outlets] vs the cakes which makes the equation less easy to balance. With school holidays now here I can see me comfort eating my way through the next 11 weeks and I really don’t want to do that. Yes, I will be self critical and yes, I will feel rubbish about my body and my lack of restraint unless I get it under control. It’s a vicious circle of stress – eating – guilt
      Thank you so much for your support xx ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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